Wednesday, 30 July 2014

Cockroach Clusters (read: Spicy carob nuts'n'dates)

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT be alarmed.

 If, for some reason, you have not read Harry Potter (we can no longer be friends) (no pressure), cockroach clusters are the peanut-shaped candies made from roaches in the books. Yes, roaches. Yes, wizards ate them. Yes, ew.
  However not all of us have the strong stomach of witches and wizards. But even muggles* (more on that later) deserve the occasional cockroach cluster. Make that the frequent cockroach cluster. Because these babies contain no roaches. I promise you.
  Instead, they are made out of a nut/date (nuts are perfect for everyone, dates are perfect for any 80/10/10-ers or date lovers otu there) dipped in a spicy carob 'choccy'. With cocoa nibs and buckwheat bits to give them some roach-y texture.
  Ew. But yum.

  When I turned 11, I did not receive my hogwarts letter. I spent the entire day staring daggers at the sky and jumping whenever I saw a bird flying my way. And when night fell and I was still letter-less, I was in despair. I did not eat my birthday cake, I did not want to play twister or monopoly or beat my harry-potter piñata into a pulp. I was mourning.
  I am convinced, until this day, that my owl simply got lost. It must happen, right? Owls get lost, or maybe mine couldn't be arsed to fly halfway across the globe to get to me. Could owls even survive our equatorial climate?
  So, for the past eight years, I have blamed the climate (and my shitty owl) for my mistaken-muggleness. Because I am a witch. Clearly. 
  I just got a ditzy clumsy owl.
  Hogwarts really needs to sort out their whole mail-tracking system. It's 2014, Hogwarts. Registered mail IS a thing.

To prove my magical abilities, I have recreated cockroach clusters. Once you taste it, you will see. This is pure magic. And hence, so am I *insert winky face here

Cockroach Clusters

1/4 cup coconut oil, melted
1/4 cup carob powder
1 tsp chilli powder
1 tbsp date or agave syrup 
1 cup of almonds/pecans/pitted dates* You can use a mixture, because roaches come in all sorts of shapes'n'sizes
cacao nibs/buckwheat groats

Mix the oil, carob and syrup together to form an even paste. Dip dates and nuts into the paste and place on a parchment-lined baking tray. Sprinkle with groats and cacao nibs. Place in the freezer to harden quickly or fridge if you aren't eating it soon. 

*if you are using pitter dates, cut it down the centre into two halves so it will sit more evenly and look more roach like to scare muggles.

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